Every year I say, "This year HAS to be better."

....For 2017, I'm changing that to, "I will make this year better."  One way for me to do that is to go back to doing what I loved so much and to stop allowing the opinions of deeply unhappy people to change who I am and what I choose to do.  So much has happened over the past few years and I'm going to share EVERY. FUCKING. GORY. DETAIL and hope that it helps to heal me and maybe someone else might experience collateral clarity out of the wreckage I walked out of.  I'm going back to what it used to be...I won't censor comments (unless they're directed in a hurtful way to the people I love) and I won't censor myself.  The fundamental difference here is the most profound lesson I've learned in the past few years:  what you think of me is none of my business.  Is my skin a little thicker?  No.  I can still be hurt by vicious and thoughtless remarks, I still have insecurities and tics and fears and I still worry about how I'm perceived in certain roles.  My skin is the same.  But my spirit is vastly different.  My outlook has transformed.  The world and the people in it haven't changed....I've simply adjusted my perspective in a way that has saved my life and my sanity.  I'm growing every day and thanks to the efforts and wisdom and compassion of some amazing people, it's a foundation that is solid this time.  I've spent the past few years making sure of that before I chose to lay myself bare, again.  I am fully aware of the risks of doing so, this time.  And I'm armored and content.  I won't allow anyone, ever again, to have so much power over me that they drive me into hiding.  I won't let another's opinion of me override my own and those of the people who truly know and fiercely love me.  I'm not any more than them and I'm sure as hell not any less.

I am Crystal McKnob.  And I'm so glad to be back.