Archives 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Until Today

crystal d. mckee
(edited because this is my address. Duh)

To work for (edited in case hell freezes over and they call me) in any capacity for the rest of my natural born life.
(edit: I didn't put college in here. Everything I needed to know, I learned in high school. Corporate jobs are just like high school)
Robert E. Lee High School
05/1989 Basic
  • I was a nerd. No dates, no social life and it was West Texas. We didn’t have a chess club but if I wanted to learn to breed cows or work on an oil rig, game on.

Coltons Restaurant

Server 09/02/2010 – Present
I make $2.13 per hour. People scream at me when I don’t bring their rolls quickly enough. I love the people I work with but my self- esteem is so battered at this point that I feel like I’m reliving my sophomore prom every day.

McKee Farmers Insurance Exchange

Owner/Agent 09/01/2009 – 09/01/2010
I thought I wanted to own my own business. I was wrong. This sucked so bad, mostly because of the loneliness. All I wanted was to work in an office with someone who would forward me all their crappy emails. I made all my quotas and got all the awards and whatever, but it was horrible. Just horrible.

Allstate Insurance

Lead Agent/Office Manager 08/02/2003 – 09/01/2009
I loved my boss. That’s why I spent six years biting back shrieks every time someone would ask me why their insurance “collapsed”.

  • I can do anything I’ve been shown once. I’ve taught myself to build websites, read HTML, I wrote a book, was published in several and I can build an atom bomb out of a paperclip and some peanut butter. Ok, so that’s McGyver, but you get the point. Anyway, I can adapt to anything, I excel at whatever I do, I don’t steal and I have a heart three sizes too big. I’m dependable, honest and I have good teeth. I’m smart, capable, creative and I work hard. My old boss cried when I left. HE CRIED. That has to count for something.

  • Would it help me at all if I know Oprah? No? I waited on Tommy Lee Jones one time. Great tipper. Oh, and I know (the guy who referred me who I honestly like very much) but only if the person reading this likes him. If you don’t like him, between you and me, I think he’s shady. Too quiet. Never trust those quiet, technical people.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My Latest Resume

Ok, so I posted this five or six times and it kept just...disappearing. I'm going to take that as a sign that this is something I shouldn't post.

Thursday, January 06, 2011


18 years ago, you saved my life.

Happy birthday, my sweet Devon. I'm so proud of the man you've become.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Improv & Logic

Harmony got a harmonica in her stocking for Christmas. Oddly enough, she couldn't say it. "Look! My Remonica!"

Her grandmother tried to help her say it correctly. "Say your name."


"Ok, and this is a Harmon-ica. Can you say that?"


They practiced for a bit and then Harmony announced that she had to go pee. She went to the hall bathroom and as is her habit, left the door wide open so she could give us a play by play account of what was going on. "I'm peeing!"

Her grandmother picked up the harmonica and began playing a few notes. Harmony was not pleased. From the bathroom, we hear this: "Someone better stop touching my remon.....carhom....marhon....." she paused for a minute. "Stop touching my instrument!"


Later that day....

"Harmony, you need to clean your room."

"No, Momma."

"You don't tell me 'no', honey."

"But, Mommy, I don't want to."

"Well, I do a lot of things that I don't want to do."

She visibly brightened. "Then clean my room!"

Friday, December 17, 2010

Ok, ok. Before and After.

There has been some curiosity expressed about my weight loss and photo evidence. I have always avoided cameras, not because I was necessarily ashamed of how I looked but because I'm just not photogenic. At all. And usually I'm the one taking the pictures. Keep in mind, I didn't do anything special. I've just been extremely stressed and now all my hair is falling out, too. Yay, extreme weight loss! The only thing I did change was the fact that now I'm not drinking umpteen Dr Peppers a day because we just can't afford it. Now I drink Kool Aid. Boobs, Injuries and Kool Aid. Doesn't have quite the same ring.

Before (brace yourself. These pictures are not fattering. I mean flattering)

Ladies and gentleman, 220 pounds of .... I don't even know what to call this.

I'm the one in yellow. Lots of yellow.

I think I was contemplating whether to eat wedding cake or the groom.

Christmas morning last year. Total MILF.

It took ten oompa loompas to roll me up in that outfit.


There Is No End To My Naivety

Dear Girls Who Were Old Enough To Know Better At Goodwill,

I'm a waitress. It's great people and great exercise, but the last two months I haven't averaged more than minimum wage. I had really begun to lose heart and I work so hard I've lost another 15 pounds, but I trust God. I asked Him to please show me I'm where He wants me to be right now.

Yesterday was a typical lunch shift. My very first table were two men who gave me the indication right away that they wanted me to remain invisible so they could have a business lunch. I complied and quietly slipped in to care for their needs but made no effort to speak to them or interrupt them. When I presented the separate checks, one man turned to me and asked me about a ninety nine cent surcharge. "I had a salad instead of a side," he explained. "Yes, sir, it's a substitution charge that I don't necessarily agree with either. Let me see if I can have it removed." I went to a manager, had it removed and processed both of their credit cards. After they left, I picked up the books and opened them to retrieve my credit card slips. Both gentleman had left me a two dollar tip. I pulled the slips out and stopped, confused. There, under one slip was a folded twenty dollar bill. Not understanding, I pulled it out and opened it to find another twenty and a ten. Fifty dollars. I told my manager in case they came back and I waited. They never returned. I can only assume that one of the men was passing on a gift. I was overwhelmed and grateful.

When I left work, I went straight to Goodwill. Virginia had a Christmas concert that night and she needed a red shirt and black pants. Nothing from last year fits her so I assumed we were just going to have to wing it, but the generosity of a stranger made it possible for me to ensure she wasn't sticking out like a sore thumb. I went in, found her some things and walked to the register. When I started looking for my wallet, I panicked. It had been in my pocket. It was gone. The cashier noticed my distress. "Did you lose a black wallet?"

"Yes. I mean I didn't lose it, I don't think. It was in my pocket. I don't know..."

"Someone turned it in a few minutes ago. They tried to use a debit card for their purchases but didn't have ID so I turned them away. They came back a minute later and said they found a wallet and turned it in."

She went to get the manager to retrieve my wallet out of the office and I stood and waited. Everything I had made for that day and the last few days was in that wallet. Now, here's where it gets really sad: I never made the connection. I assumed that two young women had trouble paying for their purchases and then, lo and behold, they found my wallet and turned it in. When the manager walked toward me with my wallet in hand, I never once worried that my hard earned cash would be in it. I took it, opened it and stood staring at the empty interior. I couldn't breathe for a minute. I firmly believed in that people are inherently good and decent and honest and I am so naive that it never even occurred to me that someone tried their hand at using my debit card before they nonchalantly walked away with my daughter's outfit for her Christmas play, my gas money, my electric bill money and my belief in human kindness during the holiday season.

I have three kids, ladies. I am proud to say that not one of them would even consider taking something that didn't belong to them and I mostly feel sad that you weren't taught better than that. I'm walking around with this sick feeling in me and I realize it's disappointment. I'm not angry and I hope that maybe you needed that money for something important and it serves a purpose but I'm deeply, tragically changed by a series of events that took no more than ten minutes. When I think about all the tables I had to wait on for that money, when I think about all the silverware I rolled and floors I swept and spills I cleaned up and tables I wiped and how my shoulder aches constantly from lifting so much weight onto it, I don't even feel a twinge of anger. It's worse than that. It's bitterness. I've never been a bitter person and right now, I'm praying this is temporary.

You took more than money from me. I almost hope for your sake that the recordings didn't get a clear image of you because then I'll have to decide if I want to prosecute and I'm truly on the fence right now. I've forgiven you and I think I'm supposed to, but? Spare the rod, spoil the child and all that. Maybe if you didn't learn the basics of being a decent person before, someone can teach you in jail. Or maybe that would change your life and send you in the wrong direction and I don't want to bear any responsibility for that.

I don't know you, but I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that you make poor decisions and that you don't think about how much damage you can do with such a seemingly petty act.

Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It Wouldn't Fit In The Stocking

Devon finally got a vehicle. I haven't been able to say anything about it because we were trying to surprise him and on the off chance he read here or got the newsletter, I didn't want to ruin it. It's a crappy cell phone picture but here it is:

It was born the same year he was and needs some love and *coughChriscough* attention from someone who knows vehicles, but it's his. And I cannot thank you enough for all your support and love and suggestions and ... well, all of it. It's so bitterly cold here and he's been walking to work and having trouble getting to and from school and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Big thanks to Chris and his Dad and all of you for making this such a special Christmas for such a genuinely good man.

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