Friday, January 13, 2017

Filling in the Blank Spots

     Get up off your knees, girl
     stand face to face with your God
     and find out what you are - 

"My Name Is Human" - Highly Suspect



It's 2 a.m., I'm running on fumes and I'm up in 4 hours to do it all again.  Good enough reason to say, "fuck it, I'll start writing it all tomorrow night", and keep bullshitting for another week, month, year.  I played the song quoted on loop today and even though I've listened to it at least a hundred times, the meaning changed for me this morning. In my mind it's self-explanatory as it relates to telling this tale, but deduce what you will.

Caveat, to my family... I don't know that anyone other than Devon - and possibly V - will be reading this in the near future.  BUT...shit happens, details emerge and one day my sister might pop in looking for Finley and instead, here's this veritable shit storm of brutal honesty about what really happened in the life of her junkie sister, no omissions, no candy coating, and then the phone calls start coming from Mom wanting to know why in the name of the baby JESUS I would tell the entire free fucking world that I tried heroin, HEROIN, did I really try heroin? and things get awkward and very embarrassing for the people I love.  I have been at war with myself about committing all of the ugliness to the internet where it will reside until there's nothing left but cockroaches and Twizzlers (seriously.  Both of those things will survive nuclear wars and global warming and asteroid impacts) because, while putting myself on display for all the lookie-loos is one thing, they might not want any part of it.  So, here's the deal.  I wouldn't have even considered the idea of baring my soul again had it not been for the urging of family.  I was stunned that the most vocal supporter was Devon.  He's conservative, private and never hesitates to tell me to get my shit together, grow up, own my mistakes, <insert pithy and fucking annoying-as-hell-because-he's-only-24-and-right-goddammit advice here> and he's the last person I imagined cheering me on to pen this particular Gold medal winner in the Trainwreck Olympics.  So, I thought, "well, he just meant write more crap about embarrassing the kids in public and how often I fall".  Then a text came through after my last post:  "I'm really glad you're writing, again."  He wants me to tell this story and although I don't fully understand why, I'm grateful for his and Virginia's blessing.  They're both ready to weather whatever comes because they know how much writing was a part of me and how I disappeared a little more every day that I tried to pretend it was a passing phase.  I just hope they truly comprehend where this leads:  there will be bone exposed.  I will not do this if I feel like I have to lie about any of it because deluding myself is how I started unraveling in the first place and pain is what gets my undivided fucking attention.  It has to hurt, memorably. With that said, note: These are the things I've done; they are not who I am. The distinction is crucial. 

For those of you who sent me friend requests on Facebook solely to have gossip fodder to spread three and four fucking YEARS later on hate sites, grab a few changes of underwear because I'm about to give you the motherload, tickets to the SuperBowl of Oversharing, the bona fide what-the-hell-I-can't-believe-she's-telling-anyone-this secret decoder ring to share with your other sniveling buddies.

 For those of you who matter, who've prayed for my family and I, sent me thoughts of kindness and compassion, the people who perpetuate beauty and joy, the ones who remind me that there is purpose in this?  I'm so glad you'll be with me for the journey.  You give me strength.  
Away we go...

24 comments:

aboyd said...

Sending you love, and support. You got this. You've always been destined to write...it is who you are.

Sandy said...

I have always loved your writing. I have laughed so much with you, and cried with you. You have an amazing talent! Thank you for coming back to us!!
Sandy

DannieS72 said...

Since day one I e loved your posts. The good, the bad, the embarrassing, the funny as hell. All of it. Glad you are back.

Joey Brooks said...

This is your truth and only you can speak it, Crystal. I would hope your family doesn't make it about them...Though they do play parts. I am glad Devon is supportive in this. It will help you heal.

Welcome back, lady! :-)

P.S. Fuck the trolls and haters. Let them keep that misery.

Osbasso said...

Twinkies. You forgot Twinkies.

Kelly Hockaday said...

And THIS is why you still have fans/friends...because of your amazing resilience and in the face of all the shit...laughter and what some might consider an up beat attitude...no matter the shit life throws at you. You have SERIOUSLY got to shop around for a book deal...you've got the gift of writing (I've got the gift of reading...far less taxing than yours! ;-) )and I think it'd be a hell of a book. I'm buckling in for the ride....(and yes...I'm a friend on FB).

Lisa said...

I'm still rooting for you, Crystal...after all the years....love you girl!

You're soooo right.....the things you experienced are not YOU!
Much love to you and your family!!

WyzWmn© said...

You got this...mostly cos you need it
It's not really for others...it's for you..for truth, clarity and possibly peace

Write!

Jocelyn Hayden said...

I'm still here and still rooting for you. Thank you for writing again. My community is being eaten away by the big H, I'm always open to hearing everyone's side of the story so I can gain better understanding without judgement.

(And I still keep my office silverware in a Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper coffee mug!)

Zachary said...

One of the best writers I have ever seen on the Internet, glad you're back Crystal, been a long time!

Saving By The Sea said...

I missed your writing, and hoped everything was OK. Good to see you back 😁

unkawill said...

I got your back sis. As much as I can.... seeing as I work 80+ hours a week. Love you with all my heart!KEEP WRITING!

Erica said...

Only $19.95 said...

I will always love and support you! You are awesome.

LSU Tigers Fan said...

You proved your resilience time and time again with the Crazy Chronicles, which by the way, are misnamed. While you are many things, crazy is nowhere on the list of how I would describe you. Smart and courageous are the first things that come to my mind.

Because of the wonderful way you tell stories, I get a great deal of enjoyment from your writing. However, based on this forward, I regret that my pleasure will come because of pain and/or bad luck that you've experienced.

Good luck, and God bless you, Crystal. May EVERYTHING for be positive from this day forward.

carolt said...

With you then, with you now. Go Crystal Go...

Tammy Doucette said...

So glad you're back! Prayers for your family always.

Dana~Are We There Yet? said...

I've missed your writing, Crystal. I've been a reader from way back...commented here and there. I'm glad you're back and I look forward to 'collateral clarity'. Warmly yours, Dana

Anonymous said...


Hi there stranger.
I stumbled upon your blog in some link that I found in my email from the year 2006. Someone send me an email and in one of the attachments was a link to your blog.
I thought people didnt use blog anymore but I´m impressed that you´re still writing and posting after so many years.
Thing is that since I dont see any pictures of you on this blog I dont know who you are but only that you´re passing through some tough time so I decided to write you one line of comfort that might change your respective of life. It´s an old saying from Denmark that goes like this: "Behind the clouds the sky is always blue".
Stay the course, focus and embrace the impossible.

Greetings from Iceland. :)

Numaloon said...

Glad you're back. I googled "why do I have a dent in my head" 8 or 9 years ago, and that's how I found you. You've made me laugh, cry, examine myself, and realize I'm not the only wacky mom out there. Thank you. <3

Anonymous said...

I hope you will continue to write. I followed you several years ago, and then my life blew up so I've been rebuilding. I'm back to living and thinking of getting back to blogging. I'm glad to see you're still around. I'll be back to look for a new post. God bless!

~Jody said...

I doubt I've ever posted before but I've followed you for eons. I've thought of you often the past couple of years - I'm glad you're ok & so proud of you for taking this step. Welcome home.

QoE said...

I checked here today for the fist time in over a year and was so happy to see you post something. I have wondered about you often over the past several years, and even admit to a bit of gentle internet stalking to try to find out where you went, and what became of your writing. I have missed Finley. I saw that some of the people that started all the crazy all those years ago after the Ambien thing were still around, saying you were posting things as your daughter, stirring up shit. I was surprised, and also not surprised, because of course they are. I am so glad you are back. Is it weird to miss a stranger's story? I hope not. I look forward to reading.

Marcus said...

I was just cleaning out a small mountain of old bookmarks, and felt a jolt of both dread and excitement when I clicked on this one. I was afraid that it would bring up a blank page, or maybe a very old archive, and hopeful that there would be a recent proof of life. And then the page appeared and there was an entry from this very year! I followed you for a long time, way back in the Crazy Chronicles days. Your struggle, your honesty, and your humanity are the foundation of all great stories. I will hope that you are OK, and that the story will continue soon. Thank you for your willingness to share the darkness that most of us try hard to pretend doesn't affect us, but most assuredly does.