Friday, January 13, 2017

Filling in the Blank Spots

     Get up off your knees, girl
     stand face to face with your God
     and find out what you are - 

"My Name Is Human" - Highly Suspect

It's 2 a.m., I'm running on fumes and I'm up in 4 hours to do it all again.  Good enough reason to say, "fuck it, I'll start writing it all tomorrow night", and keep bullshitting for another week, month, year.  I played the song quoted on loop today and even though I've listened to it at least a hundred times, the meaning changed for me this morning. In my mind it's self-explanatory as it relates to telling this tale, but deduce what you will.

Caveat, to my family... I don't know that anyone other than Devon - and possibly V - will be reading this in the near future.  BUT...shit happens, details emerge and one day my sister might pop in looking for Finley and instead, here's this veritable shit storm of brutal honesty about what really happened in the life of her junkie sister, no omissions, no candy coating, and then the phone calls start coming from Mom wanting to know why in the name of the baby JESUS I would tell the entire free fucking world that I tried heroin, HEROIN, did I really try heroin? and things get awkward and very embarrassing for the people I love.  I have been at war with myself about committing all of the ugliness to the internet where it will reside until there's nothing left but cockroaches and Twizzlers (seriously.  Both of those things will survive nuclear wars and global warming and asteroid impacts) because, while putting myself on display for all the lookie-loos is one thing, they might not want any part of it.  So, here's the deal.  I wouldn't have even considered the idea of baring my soul again had it not been for the urging of family.  I was stunned that the most vocal supporter was Devon.  He's conservative, private and never hesitates to tell me to get my shit together, grow up, own my mistakes, <insert pithy and fucking annoying-as-hell-because-he's-only-24-and-right-goddammit advice here> and he's the last person I imagined cheering me on to pen this particular Gold medal winner in the Trainwreck Olympics.  So, I thought, "well, he just meant write more crap about embarrassing the kids in public and how often I fall".  Then a text came through after my last post:  "I'm really glad you're writing, again."  He wants me to tell this story and although I don't fully understand why, I'm grateful for his and Virginia's blessing.  They're both ready to weather whatever comes because they know how much writing was a part of me and how I disappeared a little more every day that I tried to pretend it was a passing phase.  I just hope they truly comprehend where this leads:  there will be bone exposed.  I will not do this if I feel like I have to lie about any of it because deluding myself is how I started unraveling in the first place and pain is what gets my undivided fucking attention.  It has to hurt, memorably. With that said, note: These are the things I've done; they are not who I am. The distinction is crucial. 

For those of you who sent me friend requests on Facebook solely to have gossip fodder to spread three and four fucking YEARS later on hate sites, grab a few changes of underwear because I'm about to give you the motherload, tickets to the SuperBowl of Oversharing, the bona fide what-the-hell-I-can't-believe-she's-telling-anyone-this secret decoder ring to share with your other sniveling buddies.

 For those of you who matter, who've prayed for my family and I, sent me thoughts of kindness and compassion, the people who perpetuate beauty and joy, the ones who remind me that there is purpose in this?  I'm so glad you'll be with me for the journey.  You give me strength.  
Away we go...

Friday, December 02, 2016

Every year I say, "This year HAS to be better."

....For 2017, I'm changing that to, "I will make this year better."  One way for me to do that is to go back to doing what I loved so much and to stop allowing the opinions of deeply unhappy people to change who I am and what I choose to do.  So much has happened over the past few years and I'm going to share EVERY. FUCKING. GORY. DETAIL and hope that it helps to heal me and maybe someone else might experience collateral clarity out of the wreckage I walked out of.  I'm going back to what it used to be...I won't censor comments (unless they're directed in a hurtful way to the people I love) and I won't censor myself.  The fundamental difference here is the most profound lesson I've learned in the past few years:  what you think of me is none of my business.  Is my skin a little thicker?  No.  I can still be hurt by vicious and thoughtless remarks, I still have insecurities and tics and fears and I still worry about how I'm perceived in certain roles.  My skin is the same.  But my spirit is vastly different.  My outlook has transformed.  The world and the people in it haven't changed....I've simply adjusted my perspective in a way that has saved my life and my sanity.  I'm growing every day and thanks to the efforts and wisdom and compassion of some amazing people, it's a foundation that is solid this time.  I've spent the past few years making sure of that before I chose to lay myself bare, again.  I am fully aware of the risks of doing so, this time.  And I'm armored and content.  I won't allow anyone, ever again, to have so much power over me that they drive me into hiding.  I won't let another's opinion of me override my own and those of the people who truly know and fiercely love me.  I'm not any more than them and I'm sure as hell not any less.

I am Crystal McKnob.  And I'm so glad to be back. 

Friday, August 16, 2013

No Place Like Home

If you look over to the left column, you'll see a link for archives (and I'm far from finished.  There will be a lot more coming)

Thanks to my best friend, Jamie, (and the urging of my friend, Amber), who sent me the posts in HTML, I'm able to put them up in groups.  And I thought all of these were gone, forever. Aaaand I'm sure there are some people who really hoped they would be gone, forever.

Na na nee boo boo.

I'm coming back to my spot, here.  It's where I started, it's where I belong.  In the meantime, you can peruse the archives if you have time to kill.

(For those who signed up for the mailing list, I'll still be using it...I'll just be sending out New Post notifications and there won't be passwords)

Here's to the future!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Here I Am, Panhandling Again

That title is in jest about a comment I got one time that I was no better than a panhandler.  I'm pretty sure panhandlers don't donate the money they get, but I could be crazy.

Anyway, I know I bombed the hell out of my email contacts and I don't usually do this...I buy and support the cookie drives and the wrapping paper and all of that, but I don't ask for people to buy just because it makes me uncomfortable.

This, however, is an awesome cause and Harmony is so excited to be able to help.

When I asked her what her goal was, she said, "Five dollars, Mommy.  That will help of one those kids get a new heart, right?"  She has such a good soul and I love her to pieces and don't ever want her to lose that drive to help, even in small ways. 

She didn't think she'd would raise more than five dollars because, well, Mommy never has friends or anything come over but I told her that I do have friends....they just don't live near me. 

Anyway, the donation is $5 if you're interested.  And thank you.  I'll try to get some pics of up the Jump Rope day.

Monday, January 28, 2013


Again, I'm keeping this site public and the other private.

I didn't turn anyone away but gmail routed a bunch to spam and after hitting 600 emails, a lot slipped through the cracks and I'm so sorry. Please email me and I'll give you the info.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

New place

I've moved. I'm keeping this site for public posts and the other for private.

If you didn't get the email with the link and the password, please email me at

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Coming Soon

I've been without a phone the last week and had no way to post.

Michael never responded about hosting the site so I'll figure it out by the weekend and email all of you the info ...

Thanks for your patience